Mustang MonthlyNews & Views
Top 10 Most NON-Mustangs on the Road
Ten Most Un-Mustang Cars : The 10 cars that are soooo not a Mustang
We love the Mustang, old and new, because it is the perfect car. The original “pony car,” with a long nose and short deck, snappy performance and handling (especially compared to the land barges passed off as “performance cars” that came before it), options aplenty, and sex appeal for miles—whether the goal is to attract male or female attention, depending on the driver. Mustang is the ultimate machine. Go ahead, ask anyone. We’ll wait.
But as we Mustang lovers are content to cruise in the best car of all time, there are those contraptions and their loose nuts behind the wheels that we have been sentenced to share the road with that are not only the bane of every driver, but the polar opposite of the Mustang and its passionate owners. In order to identify the most egregious offenders to those of us in the World of Mustang, I put together this list of the cars that we would rather never see again, and why their owners are idiots.
10. Toyota Anything
Have you noticed how the Toyota logo, redesigned in the early 1990s (I think), looks just like a guy sleeping under a sombrero, Mexican siesta-like? I think the company’s marketing department did that because they had successfully identified the buyers of anything in their fleet as asleep-at-the-wheel morons with no spacial awareness—as in they have no idea that anyone else is on the road, and they drive like it.
I normally commute on a motorcycle in the legendarily awful Los Angeles rush hour. Being on a two-wheeled conveyance that is just asking for death and dismemberment at any moment makes a guy pay REALLY close attention to what the drivers of two and a half-ton, four-wheeled potential death machines are doing at all times. You have to anticipate that they will do the absolute dumbest thing that they possibly can; Toyota drivers never disappoint—they’re all over the place. Topping that list, the worst offender is the Toyota minivan, typically driven by a stressed out soccer mom on her third Starbucks Double Espresso of the day, madly texting her hairdresser or nail salon or boy toy or girlfriends or whatever. Whatever she’s doing, she pays no attention to any of the three rear-view mirrors mounted to her mommy mobile—I know this because those God-forsaken vehicles take up a full lane and they NEVER move over even a foot to let a motorcycle by, even with said motorcycle honking and its rider waving hands in the air in a “WHAT THE F…?!” gesture.
Next up is the Toyota Camry. Now, the Camry is actually a decent car for what it is. What it is, however, is nothing more than an appliance, much like a refrigerator or washing machine. That’s probably why so many of them are white. People that buy a Camry are so far removed from us “car guys” that like Mustangs that they might as well be from Mars. Wait—make that Venus. Think about that for a second. Camry drivers are accountants during the day, stamp collectors at night, with a wife, 2.3 kids, and a Cocker Spaniel named Tiger at home. They have given up on any hope of having “fun” in their lives, and their driving attitudes reflect that—they drive like they just left the hospital and still have the morphine IV drip stuck in their arm.
Lastly is the Prius. I’m sure that I don’t have to explain my total disdain for not just this stupid-looking pile of junk, but also for the sheeple that drive them because they are “saving the planet.” Give me a break Trevor. Shave your hipster beard, cut off the man bun, buy a Metallica T-shirt, and push that moving roadblock off the nearest cliff. Maybe on its way down, it will take out more Priuses! These morons are the self-appointed “speed police” here in LA, and they are literally EVERYWHERE! Enough already!
9. Honda Anything
Think Civic with an 8-inch exhaust tip and no muffler, revving its little buzzbox four-banger at 18,000 rpm down every street in the nation. And with so much negative camber in the suspension to clear the ridiculous “stance” that they’ve slammed in so the tires don’t rub—but they’ll wear out and destroy the wheel bearings in 100 yards. Stupid, just stupid. Stop it.
8. Gardener’s pickup truck
When I was a kid, the best way to make some spending money was to mow the neighbors’ lawns for $10 a pop. This may be a Southern California-only thing, but yesterday’s kids have been replaced with hard-working migrants that drive the most beat up, apocalyptic pickups imaginable, with all manner of gardening implements just trying to throw themselves out of the bed and into traffic. And they often do. I ride, so ask me how I know.
7. Lifted F-4x4
Here’s an idea: buy a new F-150 (which is actually a fantastic truck from the factory), and ruin it with an 8-inch suspension lift, a 4-inch body lift, and 44-inch Monster Mudders, and then hit the congested freeways and country two-lanes. The drivers of these near-monster trucks can look eye-to-eye with 18-wheeler drivers and you can park a Mustang 10 feet in front of one and they still can’t see it over the hood. With all that added weight and kinetic energy, stopping in a hurry is not an option so it’s no wonder I see a lot of them in rear-enders. Not to mention that the drivers are often 5 feet, 3 inches tall (compensating much?) and the truck has never seen a spec of dirt off road.
6. Suburu Outback
The Official State Vehicle of Colorado, the Outback is bascially a WRX turned into a family sedan and with all the fun removed. Outback owners don’t give a damn about their vehicle unless they can load it with mountain bikes, kayaks, yellow labs, camping equipment, and anything else that will take them into nature and away from society. Which is awesome and makes them better in my mind that than lifted 4x4 goons who never take advantage of those Monster Mudders by ever, you now, driving through mud.
5. Chevy Volt/Nissan Leaf
Electric cars of all types. Yeah I know, in 20 years we’ll all be forced to drive electric vehicles and I have some industry friends in Detroit who help build these things, but plugging a car into a wall socket is just not right in my fossil fueled mind. Electric car drivers are even more sanctimonious than Prius drivers, if that’s possible.
BMW = Jerk. Nothing more needs to be said.
The new C7 Corvette is the most amazing sports car that the world has ever produced when you factor in its insane performance and comparatively low price point. It truly is phenomenal and one of my dirty secrets is that I love Corvettes, but you’re not allowed to drive any Corvette built after 1984 unless you’re over the age of 50, are balding (or have a toupee), and wear a gold chain. Now, women in Corvettes—that’s a different story!
2. Dodge Challenger/Charger
“Who do you want to be today brah, Bo or Luke?”
This goes without saying. Mustang versus Camaro is a cage fight that will never see the final round, because Ford and Chevrolet keep raising the bar on each other. That’s a good thing. But Mustang got to market first and crushed the Camaro’s sales numbers for decades (and is arguably still more popular), and when the Fox Mustang got some juevos in 1983 the Camaro ran a distant second in performance. When the LT1 (and later on LS) Camaros came out and Ford saddled us with the two-valve mod motor, the pendulum swung the other way, but now the two are waging World War III in the bang-for-the-buck. And nobody loses that battle. Except Toyota, they will always suck.